From Dreams

Weird Mystic Dreams

Recollections...

 

 

The Piglet

I squished it. I wanted to take it back to its mama. I wasn't concerned of virtue. It just looked at me with its helpless eyes. I wanted to help it. It was a tiny piglet, smaller than a baby mouse, with tiny undeveloped wings. Its mother was on the roof of our building. On a nest. Winged pigs lay eggs on nests. I went back inside my apartment to keep my grocery bags and free up my hands. I don't remember. I came back out. It was lying four or five steps on the way. Suddenly, a rush of dust and wind. Somebody sweeped the stairs with a blow of the broom. I stepped my left foot... the piglet flew right under it. I took it off as soon as I could. But my weight was too much for the piglet. It got squished under my slippers. Almost dead. In pain. Its tiny body trembling and shivering, bleeding, half flattened, disembowelled. Looking at me with painful eyes...I was in shock. The neighbor from the opposite flat looked at me. Tears rolled down my eyes. The mother pig's face flashed in front of eyes. The dead baby piglet in my hands. I wanted to save it. I tried to explain, I wanted to save it. I wanted to do good...

 

 

Someone hung a cow on top of a high wall with iron grills on top. The cow's face and jaw is crushed. The iron grills have perforated and punctured through its ribs. Me and an army guy are trying our best to get it off there and either save it or release it off its pain. But how did it get there like that? No man can do that! Monsters! "Monsters walk among us".

 

 

Two Girls

Once was a girl. But this is the story of two girls. One a girl from the inside and outside, with a vagina. Another only from the inside, without a vagina. In the state of Virginia. Inside a washroom. A security guard was informed. The washroom attendant. An elderly lady called, for the safety of her daughter. "There's a man in there!" She said. Two washrooms side by side. His and hers. They listened carefully for the sounds. One had the long dripping sound of a man peeing. "It's coming from the 'hers'"- he thought and was about to go in. She stopped him to listen closely and directed him otherwise. He went in. 'His'. Yes, indeed. It was a boygirl. She knew all along did she? Was her daughter her step? Adopted? The security guard took the girldude to a room. He probably raped and abused himher. We always come to the worst conclusion. But it was a dream, which I broke intentionally to remember and write this down.

 

 

Lions and now Elephants. Phantoms, woman spirits, witches, dakinis. They skate down the long road to the west from the skinny house with skinny spiral stairs. Your head will spin. Then Elephants come to crush. In my dream, I am constructing my own dream, which is another dream altogether.

 

 

Three races. Sub races of the Mesoamerican, are mixing. In a camping ceremony. Their tents, like red Indian chief headpieces, side by side in a slightly earthen and sunken ground. The grounds have been patterned and sunken. But they're being headhunted by their father tribes. For the sin of ceremoniously mixing.

The headhunters are killing them. They're defenseless. The headhunters are expressionless. They look absolutely unwanting of this. But some are being blamed by others for their lack of enthusiasm.

 

 

The Dream of Forsaken Memories

The witch, ugly little skinny witch, who's suppose to resemble a horror of my life or a  mental state of mine, which is severe depression and nihilism. She tried to stop me from  hugging my life,  my love, my hope, everything positive that I have in this life - in a female body. I had just bought a new house. Well, new for me, but a very old and raggity one actually. The witch tried to stop me from entering it, she did her best, but I insisted, resisted and kept on trying to convince her that it's not that bad. And then after much struggle, breaking free from her tight bearhug, partially freeing myself, I somehow opened the door of my newly bought house. As soon as I stepped one foot, she turned into a tiny little kitten and started biting on my toes. Violently though. I went around the house and entered the darkest room. There's no electricity. The darkness is tightly wrapped around, like there is no light. Like there is no God or hope. No truth. This is the house of severe  hopelessness and dark negativity. Fear reigns supreme. Off-white splashed with darkness of the subconscious mind. Witchland. So I open the door to the other room. The witch, now turned kitten ran inside and started pointing at a big animal. It seemed like a tiger, no smaller, a wild cat or a cougar. It was my pet kitty, whom I left by himself at my old house. Didn't bother to bring him over. Left him at the mercy of the old landlord. He's grown. Grown big.  I called him by his name, 'Bro'. He responded by offering me his neck to rub. He still remembers me, that's for sure. He doesn't move around as much as before.  Has gained a lot of weight. And then I see her. Shocked, stuttering I say, "what are you doin here? How did you get in here?" She said, she said to me, "I learnt that you bought a new house, so I came to stay a while, I came before you." Then she dissappeared, it was my beloved. How did she know? From whom did she learn about my new house?  Is she no more? Or am I dead? Dead clinically or metaphorically? Dead as in a forsaken memory. I was missing from me. Everyone I had neglected was there. Everyone that neglected me. Everyone I loved and everyone that loved me, everyone I wanted to be with or they wanted to be with me, but couldn’t... . I'm not there with my own self all the time. I don't like what's in there. 

 

 

A symbolic? dream - in front of a turbulent sea. An old gateway towards it. An old rusty half    broken gate, still attached well to the pillars. The pillars, part of a once wall probably,    stand firm with the little concrete island like structure or left over of a structure. The    road to the beach or rather the sea without a beach, ends a little while ahead from where  the   concrete platform begins. There is a 6-8 feet gap between the road the platform. A  narrow   connector makes it possible to reach the platform without leaping. Without which it  would be   only be accessible by the fit and/or the young. The waves of the sea smash on the  concrete   platform and during the high tide, the waters come galloping on over the platform  and go   below and reach behind it. The waves they come, as if in intent to devour, devour  all your   manifest. Thus water reaches behind the platform and fills the gap. Thus making it  appear as   an island, of concrete. Me, my aunt and her husband(who I refuse to call uncle),  her two sons(my cousins) and another member from their side of the family. We are on the concrete platform. I'm lingering around the gateway. The others are around the edge of the  platform watching the sea, feeling the moderately gentle waves on their feet. Suddenly a  big wave, out of nowhere a big wave rises, but it is an arrow like pointed one that pointing  towards the outer eastern side of the platform but is not likely to smash on the platform  as hard. They   move back a little, but the wave bathes them, splashes all over them. But the  pointed wave   reaches behind the round moat like gap of the platform with all it's force and  overfills the   moat. Then the water pushes hard and the water rises up on over the platformfrom the back.   First a little spills up and then gallons and gallons of water keeps  gobbling up the platform   from behind, while a huge tsunami like wave comes crashing from  the front. This one is about   30 feet high. Water pushes from behind and the returning wave  pulls from the front. I cling   on to the gate, while the others are washed away. The younger  brother grabs on to a rock on   the platform and saves himself. The uncle hangs to the  platform border on the eastern side   and grabs his elder son. My aunt gets washed away along  with the other woman, who's a   relative of my uncle. The elder son gets pulled in by the  current but uncle grabs him and   with their joint effort he breaks free and comes up out of  the quick sand. The other woman is   nowhere to be seen, while my aunt is neck deep in the  sand. Only her face is visible. The   rest of her body has gone under the quick sand. We try  to rescue them, me and my younger   cousin. While the two cowards, father and elder son hold  on to each other and tremble and   shout instructions at us. As if I'm listening! But I try  to rescue my aunt. Me and my younger   cousin. She is 90%  immersed in water. If let to slip  any further, she'll be dead and gone.   It's going to take immense power to pull her up. We  don't have enough manpower to do so.   Besides, the harder you try to pull out of these quick  sands, the further it pulls you back   down. We jump on the sand. "Careful" and "hey, no!"  someone shouts. Probably the idiot uncle.   But we land on the quick sands, set our feet on  it, stomp it, it doesn't pull us down. These   sands only pull you in when they want to I  guess. Or maybe it's the water. Maybe the water   opens up the sands. And your feet slip  inside the gap. And then you start sinking. But now   that the water has moved away, she has  stopped sinking. She's stuck it seems. She isn't   sinking any further. But how do we pull  her back? I start digging around her neck and   instruct my cousin to do the same. We dig  deep. We dig fast. We dig desperately to pul her   out. I push my hands deeper inside the  sand to find her hand so as to pull her while my   brother digs around her. After digging  desperately for a minute or two and me pulling her by   her head in an effort to end her  fearsome state, out she comes all of a sudden and attached   to her head is not her neck or  the rest of her body, but six white insect legs, and a white   shell. She has turned into a  sea insect of some kind, with a human head!

 

 

 

I was having - in the mall, Tom Cruise was the bellboy there. Hugh Laurie a salesman, whom I kicked in the nuts. Then I stepped out the mall. The stray dogs had all become so carnivorous. They were like wolves running around in packs and infesting in spaces where humans were far from. They had taken over certain spaces of land or the city where humans were not dwelling anymore. There were some unfortunate ones who were waiting amidst them, waiting for public transport. They were being constantly sniffed and as they tried to sway them the dogs growled viciously. I had a lot of egg breads in a large bin bag. I was constantly throwing at the dogs. Actually I was saving them for myself, but then one of the dogs bit the bag and grabbed one bread. Their drooling salivas were so poisonous, I did not feel like eating anymore. So I threw away all the rest.

I was back into those summer vacation days which me and my cousins would spend in great delight of each others company. There was so much togetherness, my then recently widowed grandmother was a good old woman. My mother was there, alongside her sister(my aunt). And then there was the three of us - me and my two cousins, both boys. We would, the five of us(mom, aunt and us) would go out in the evenings collecting memories. The sad part is the recollection, they store so much dust and the smell of 'nevermore'. We will never be kids again, we'll never be together ever again. But sometimes my dreams are so real, they make me relive the moments. When everything was so fine with my life. What went wrong?

Then I was in the Sundarbans. I jumped right into the swamp forest, from nowhere. That's a dream for you! I was on the river swamp, on a boat. Having a duel with another man on another boat. Suddenly I got hit or was it that I just became dizzy, did a poisoned dart hit me? So I quickly landed on a piece of floating earth, island. The little boy, who was there, who knew me, said you're drowning. I said how can I be drowning, I'm on land. The man who's still on the boat is drowning. i felt that my head was spinning, rather whirlwinding. I was worried I might fall off the little island and drown, the little boy said, "you're drowning". "Why won't you help me?" I screamed desperately. I tried to reach further inside the island, to the middle of it to ensure safety. But the little boy repeated his words, you're drowning. Then I saw that the island itself was drowning. And the little boy was holding on like a bus conductor to a flag pole that was planted on the island, as if he was conducting some underwater tour!

 

 

Dreams 1

Me and my friend . He hooked me up with this girl . She was so right for me . All the teenage energy flowing through my body . Our .  Her father doesn't like me or maybe doesn't want her have a boyfriend at all . Whatever , never dared to speak with him . He's too strict . Then one day - two buildings , around five storeys tall . Really close to each other . Three of us standing together on the roof . She jumps to the other building roof . Suddenly i'm informed that her father is coming after me . I climb down a couple of ropes  like ladder , slide down . On to the ground and run away . To a marketplace . Me and friend discuss the escape . My escape - i don't know when he escaped . Well , we order some fast food while sipping on some coke . A hot chick walks by me , looking at me , offering to share some of the soft drink she was having . Basically if i accept , means i accept sex with her . I nodd in denial but show my friend . Little insecure - cause my friend is fat and well not very sexually attractive to women , i think . But she accepts . I still try to convince her by showing my elbow length as in reference to his thing !

 

 

Dreams 2

Three people. A young guy. His younger cousin brother . His cousin sister -  older than the younger brother. They are confused whether they're in a dream or not !  Cause everything that they have done tonight was unreal for them , for anyone . First stop they murder their parents because they got to know their secret . I don't know or remember what that secret is or was ! Then they go to the sea beach in the dead of night . It was all empty . They dumped the bodies of somebody else they had to kill or was killed but they'd be to blame because they were the only ones around . Then the sheriff comes to arrest them . All alone . "i am the law " he says . And arrests them . But they kill the sheriff and dump his carcuss in the ocean . Run away run away run away !! Back to their home . Everyone has been murdered . Except the old grandfather . Who cannot do much . But stand up for short whiles to piss and shit and drop dead right back to bed . Then they go to the porch and petrified start blaming each other . Then they start discussing whether this is all a dream ?! Then all of a sudden grandfather is awake , wanting to take a piss . He comes running in to the bathroom . Elder grandson helps and helps back to bed . Then comes the question - if grandfather is awake taking a piss ! Is this still a dream . They pray to god so . For in the morning they'd have to run away or they're all dead for killing their parents , some mobsters and the sheriff . Then the sun started showing up . It was becoming lighter . "dream or not we'll figure out when we , if we wake up ! For now we have to run , get the hell out of here ! As far as possible ." The eldest said . Was it a dream ?! Was it half a dream the rest real ?! How come ?! Where are the bodies of their parents and grandparents . Was it a sleeping reality ?! What ?! What ?! What ?! Maybe they would have to save themselves in their dream to wake up to normal in the real life . Like a matrix like movie . Maybe the dream is an alternate life they live . We all live . Running away . Jump off the wall and help the sister . Catch the earliest train . Where is it going ?! The same old station . A single platform . With barricades on the opposite sides , to segregate from the forest . Do they get off the train permanently ?! Or does the elder just get off to gather some information on the place .

 

 

 

Watery and shady, these dreams...

Locking out this old house from the inside. Old raggity haunted house this. Not safe from wolves and grizzly bears and congo gorillas after sunset . They attack the house. Led by    carnivorous apes. As I am locking it out with 30 minutes to sundown, a bent figure with a slight hunchback shows up. It's covered up in an old dusty thick rapper blanket. I am taken    aback. She comes inside, uninvited, without bothering knocking. Voice is of an old woman. She takes her rapper off her head, it is an old woman. She's not a hag, but she is still  creepy. Her voice is not shrilled like the legendary witches of the Celts. But it creeps me out.  It's the voice of unbeing! She keeps charging at me, she speaks endearment terms, affectionate, but creepy as creepy never was. I keep going backwards, and then out the front door. Oh God! This is my grandmother's house. It wasn't this big and cryptic! It was    big and cryptic, but not this much. I start running backwards, on to the lawn garden of the house next door. She runs at me full steam. As if the ground between us is pushing her at me. "Oh how I just love playing these chasing games my boy". Running backwards. I rip off my excess clothing to enhance accelaration. I'm running backwards and she, the embodiment of a void past, is chasing me down. I threatened my mother   that I'd kill grandma if she tries to make my life a living hell again. She, her words warp inside my head. Bong! Bong! Time's up. For everyone, someday.

 

 

Avatar

Water. Water everywhere. Off the locker, which has the key and my passport. Once I'm out, I    aint coming back. Far across the memories, my past self is sliding down. Sliding down,    slowly, with a lot of friction. I'm the centre of attention instantly as I rise and reveal. I    have the ticket to freeland. Everything about me is interesting again. My soil sings to me.    Bangla matir gnaye, li choli jharnay. Little street children, sitting, watching, the grown    ups in colorful clothing, having ice cream. While they beg for a buck, fight dogs for a  piece   of bread. Old worn out clothes. Awake all night as the glamorous pagan festival  grows.   Bengalis are out watching 'whole night pujo'. Their sleepy eyes, tired  malnutritioned bodies   cannot bear the mockery. And it caught my eye. It really caught my  eye. I, a man of steel, my   eyes burst out tears "this cannot be the will of God". This is  not what was supposed to  be...

 

 

Daron(SOAD guitarist) and I went to a time and place of the future, but it would be located   right in our hometown or somewhere in the nation. It's railway station with general on ground   railway and underground railway or subway. Pretty rad for this country. But then we could  not  decide whether to board the the metro or the train. So we decided to board neither. I  and  Daron were walking. Walking the woods. We followed a woman home through the woods.  Through  the village, town. A town built in through the woods. She went in to her home and  called me  in. I straight away went in, pulled up her night wear and put my finger inside her  anus. She  screamed out in ecstasy and shock. Then I lied her face first on the bed to  sodomize her and  I saw a huge opening above her hips. Inside I could see some wirings and a  battery and a lot  of goo. She's half machine. Maybe full. So I keep sodomizing her till I  ejaculate inside her  weird wired organs. Then she asks me to wear a condom as I express  subtle disgust about her  insides. So I call in Daron and he hands me a condom from the  window.

 

 

First it was a Jatayu like creature, who got attacked by a wolf that could walk on two legs. The sinister wolf tried to push jatayu off the cliff into the lava pool. Then jatayu attacked him and got the upper hand. Then jatayu flew in, missed and hit a pillar, and got crushed by boulders. Then the sinister hind leg walking wolf met a ferocious ancestor of his, but he ran away as the monster awoke. The monster caught hold of the sinister wolf and sucked it's life, just it's life, nothing else, no blood or flesh. Then stored it in a peculiar substance. The monster was a slyme or a goo, so was the storage substance. They arose from the ground.

Song: (metal voice acoustic guitar)

Monkey o monkey I wanna break you up, turning is my 'only nature', don't judge me for that...

Monkey o monkey I saw you hanging upside down reminded me of who I used to be before I  was made to grow up..

Prince tries to kill Monkey. But the King shows up with his men. Prince actd really well to make it seem as if he was only testing Monkey. But Monkey knows it was no test. Prince wanted to kill him. One does not test one by swinging dual swords at him like a mad man. But Monkey o Monkey, apar is your leela! The King believes the Prince that he was only testing Monkey. Monkey acts as if he too understood that he was only being tested. When the King and the Prince leave, he tells chota Monkey, "haah! I acted as if I do not know what's going on, but I do. But this will give the Prince an illusion that I do not know that he tried to kill me, so he'll try again, but this time I'll be waiting, but he thinking me unsuspecting, will not take guard, and I will pounce on him, ha ha, haha haha!"

On the other side, Prince hears these words from Monkeys room, because Monkey could not wait a little longer to show off his intelligence to his student and he could not be subtle about it and keep his voice down. So now Prince aware of Monkeys plans, decides to change his plans. When his loyal soldier asks how he plans to destroy Monkey, he says, "haah! Monkey thinks that I don't know that he knows that I wasn't testing him, rather trying to kill him, so I'll try the same thing again and he'll get me this time, but I know that he knows and he'll plan accordingly, so I'll change my plans too,  ha ha, haha haha!"

The same night Prince attacks Monkey, but Monkey was lying awake expecting an assault.

Prince strikes on the apparently sleeping Monkey. But it's not Monkey, he comes from above, drops from the ceiling. Monkey, "haah! I knew you would hear me from beyond the doors and think that I don't know that you are hearing me and plan accordingly to get the upper hand on me, but I knew you would hear me, hence I deliberately made a speech for your ears only, while planning to do something else altogether in my head, ha ha haha haha!"

Suddenly the assailant drops his mask, it's not Prince. Prince too drops from the ceiling, from a higher altitude.

Prince, "haah I knew that you wouldn't be foolish enough to let me know of your plans by speaking so loudly, I knew your speech was indeed an exhibitionist one, so I planned accordingly while all the while letting you believe that I had fallen for your little trick and would walk right into your trap, but I had you figured Monkey, your intelligence is no match for my genius, ha ha haha haha!"

Suddenly Monkey dropped his mask, it's actually chota Monkey. Monkey comes flying out through a window. "haah I knew you would figure out that I am deliberately making you listen because I want you...

And then everyone fell asleep.

But Prince finally broke his promise and instead fighting wits, he just left him to die.

Monkey o monkey, I wanna break you up...

 

 

After his wife died, Mr.Johnson was employed to a radio talk show in the 80's, The Rainman.

Ignorance lead the bugs to crawl in to her deep, they pored a hole inside the shaft and ate up all her crack...she was the only thing he had left...she drowned deep, and the lifeguard could only salvage parts of the ship, that which never was alive and

Since little Johnson was born he wanted to sing but he was sent to the army young by his not so loving a father. He wanted not a son but a trophy. Years after the war he somehow survived and then started dreaming of music again. This time his dream grew to something that concerns...more than just his own self. He wanted to conduct and host a show that would be the platform for many struggling young singers in the breeze...

And then came failure, once a while it has to come

No one can win it all, life is all about endurance

He heard people talking, people talk that's what they do

Must have my own radio talk show...

The Rainman

 

 

A team of journalists and writers, of which I was a part of. I was in house which had a large food showcase...like in Flurys or continental food shops. It's the best thing a foodie can ask for. But it didn't have the items I like to eat. It had all the items I never crave for. Then we were having a discussion and I had an objection about a certain speech or presentation prepared for a ceremony of some sort. I did not like one word, just one, in the very first line. It was the addressing phrase. Mispronunciation could convey a wrong message. Even if pronounced correctly, it might be heard wrong and misinterpreted. It was either "Shakti" or "Bhakti" or "Mukti" or "Jukti". Dreams offer innumerable possibilities. Then soon the argument became animated. One senior journalist/writer supported me. But soon the argument turned to a verbal fistfight. I started accusing them of stealing my copyrighted title. Infringement. Prince of Grey. My mother was inside a room. A bareback poor looking man was sleeping on the ground. Mom was sitting in front of a large fish cutting stationery knife or boti. She was screaming at me for again being pursuant of screwing up my job, this one she got me. "I will not pay one dime to you if you lose this job on accounts of this discourse". Over this discourse I noticed that my house was situated in between high stones. Very high stones. Mossed. Impossible to climb out. Once I was in a whorehouse like this. Situated in low limbo grounds. The walls are flat, full of slippery moss and unclimbable. No roofs. But only a little sky is visible. Promoting thoughts of freedom. But on the left of the top of the stone or hill, is a cave. Which leads you to wherever else you choose to be except being free. The cave of claustrophobia.

 

 

Me and my friend were filming a documentary. Suddenly a mad old ox started banging it's blunt horny head on our building wall. We were on the roof.

Then when we were walking back, walking on a very high highway footpath,  we met an old friend. He had left town for good, to the other side of the nation. Over 4000 kms away.  We didn't know where he went. We were at fault. We had a fight and he being an over-sensitive person, wanted to run away from everything. He seemed very hostile towards me. He didn't have a direct conflict with my friend so he spoke to him. But he didn't even want me near him.

So we kept walking. We spotted a big house. It belonged to an ex-friend of mine.  We were in.  Why did we decide to go in is a mystery. Curiosity, is my best guess. A young girl's scream banged our eardrums. She wasn't begging to let go from whatever was being done to her in torment. Her screaming was to help her bear through the pain. It was enhancing her tolerance. I went into the big hall which had 3 rooms adjoined. The scream was coming from the room in the middle.  I suddenly had a see through sight, a window as if appeared through the concrete.  She was being sodomized by my ex-friend. She was not more than 12, not younger than 9. Very petite. A fairy-tale book was open in front of her on her bed. After apologizing vigorously for being mean to him and insulting him for being mean, I begged that he let me meet the girl.  He had a very sinister and evil grin on his cheeks. Then again, he was always that way. So finally I convinced this evil motherfucker to let me in. This room's atmosphere was unreal. It wasn't scary or otherworldly.  But it was unreal. A young girl of 10 or 11 was lying on the bed, prone position. An open book in front of her. Some fairy-tale. Princesses, horses, soldiers etc.

 

 

Wolf

He's a footpath dweller. Ever starving. Ever in pain. Always searching for food. For flesh. For women and sex as well. Hungry in all senses. All his hungers crave fulfillment. Nourishment. His belly rips out a wolf in the full moon of hunger. Thirst. He kills. Feeds. He returns to being hungry.

 

 

The Peacekeeper.

The invasion of Medusas. The "stoning" whores are ruling the world. Only team Seam can save it. But Team Seam was turned to stone. DEad. Gone. So what happened next? What did the Medusas do with the world? No one was left to tell about it. Maybe in the future, in some other civilization, scientists and researchers shall try to find out. Until then...stay dead.

 

 

The Bear

The bear wont leave me alone. It is flying, following me. I shut my bedroom door. But it's too strong, it'll break the door down. So I cover it with my steel almirah and other furniture. But its out there. It has a sinister smile, and long steely nails.

 

 

Imaginary Friend/Godot

"You're not really there are you? You're not real!"

"The mirror is a liar!"

"You're not real, nobody can see you except I!"

"Your mirror is lying."

"No one believes in your existence!"

"You don't exist. I am the only thing that is real. All else is folly."

"No, you're not real."

"Only I am real."

 

 

That is how it ends. With a whisper in a dream. I am breaking down in tears as I write this down. My kitty cat. I let go of her because I was angry of the complaints I kept getting on her. One morning I beat her. She was probably hungry too. She had been out all night. Then I asked my maid to leave her away someplace distant. So she won't come back. She came back to me in a dream. In our most loving days. When she was a small kitty. Fluffy and soft. Wellfed. She went across my legs and called with a faint, goodbye meow. It was the end of us. The day I got rid of her was another grey day, desolate dry breeze marked the end of a beautiful relationship. My favorite Kitty cat she was.

Now I torture her sister because it makes me feel better. It makes me feel even. Because I loved her sister and then left her to the streets. Being nasty to her sister makes me feel like I'm making up to her. I won't punish myself though. I'm a coward. I've put up all my dirty work for hell.

 

 

The Tunnel Goddess

I'm going to Yubananda Mandir. Some part of this known city, I haven't been to. The name of the temple is something else. But I could not recall it upon awaking. All the letters are jumbled. We live in a different world in our sleep. I aboarded a rickshaw van accompanied by a woman. Was it my mother or my girlfriend? I cannot recall the face. The driver seemed somewhat hesitant to take me there. He asked me twice where I wanted to go. He had heard me loud and clear the first time. He was mumbling to himself, "you wanna go to Yubananda Mandir?" No vehicle is allowed to go near the temple. They must keep a distance of at least a mile or so, I think. When I got off, it was under a railway bridge. Inside a tunnel. The tunnel was blocked from the other side. There's only one entrance and it is the exit. You go back the way you came in. Upon closer inspection, I see that it has been divided into two. One of them has some kind of blue drawing on it. I went in to the other. It was empty, completely void. Just a room like structure, but empty. So where's the temple. I went out the tunnel and walked zigzag until I found a person and asked if he knew where the temple was. He pointed towards the tunnel. But I was there a moment ago. There's no idol there. No priest, no people. He didn't say anything. Just waved his hands, telling me that it's there. So I went back in. Straight towards the section of the tunnel which I previously thought had only a blue drawing on the wall. But I couldn't. My body deviated me towards the void tunnel again. But before my body forced me in to the void tunnel, I got a glimpse of the wall on the other tunnel. It was a blue face of a demoness. One side of her face. Half nose with a nosering. One eye. It was evil. One look at it will have me end up where there's constant insanity and torment. Slavery and madness for the unexisting. I was dragged away by an invisible force. Maybe the spirits of the wind. I asked around. An old zamindar named Kabuj or is it Jubak(meaning Youth, because letters are jumbled in dreams), had established the temple and this way of worshipping. It was a false form of God. Mistaken to be Kali. It is actually an ancient demoness, who imitates Kali.  No one can tell the difference initially. If she gets in your head and if you look at her once and lend her your worship, you'll be pulled under. A place of unending suffering and thirst and yellow night fever and weakness of the immune system. The old zamindar became a bhakta of her and steadily an illness gripped him. He was dying of decay. He became twice as old as he was. He was on medication. His wife tried to abstain him from the temple. But he wouldn't listen. He fasted for the demoness(goddess to him). No knows when but he died. After an immense session of suffering which he considered as being a test by the goddess. He had grey fever, yellow fever, immune deficiency, recurring fevers and loss of appetite. He kept worshipping this demoness, who imitated Mother Kali. Some say that she is a Dakini. A demoness who served the goddess when she slayed some demons. She is the embodiment of all negativity in the universe. She is the darkness that balances out Kali's light. The demoness is not supposed to worshipped or even looked at. Those who draw her face or build her idol suffer from high fever and die unless their blood is purified by a Kali Priest. The demoness is often bound by black magic and used by the hypnotists/sorcerers who call themselves Tantrics these days. She stays in the tunnel because, she offers an easy way out of life, a temporary underpass, which eventually leads to great misery in some other life as the evil deeds of cheating nature and defying God's will is accumulated and the sinner is then damned to be born in hell as the worshipper of the demoness. And then she takes from them everything and gives them fever; grey fever, yellow fever, immune deficiency, recurring fevers and loss of appetite, slavery and torment, but the bhakti never dies. An eternity of damnation continues as the fallen become her bhakta in some life for having bound her and compelled her to their bidding in some other life. The blue tunnel goddess.

 

 

The Pret & The Alien

A deep forest. Enchanting like a dream. Soothing beautiful music playing inside my head. I don't know how I got here. I have no memories. There's no such thing as memories. Must be a dream.

A blue dream of a lush green deep forest, first lights of dawn shining through the leaves and high branches. The sun rays never seem to burn.

Must be a dream.

Soothing beautiful music playing all around as I am amazed to be here, without knowing how I got here.

What's that up ahead? Someone is coming towards me. Its a... Pret! It has an empty 'hari' in hand. He's shaking it vehemently, trying to get the last grain. Comes chasing in towards me, a few steps. I take a few steps back. Pret shakes his vessel again and then comes rushing in making a groaning throaty noise. I run. What am I running from exactly? Is it the living embodiment of my poverty? My crisis?

Yonder. A fat man is taking a bath. In milk and rice. Accompanied by a girl, who is bathing in milk with rose petals on them. A shady figure at the back. Obscure. The fat man looks at me and says, "I'm rich bitch!". His tone was inviting. I like this scene. There's something about it that attracts me to it. Maybe a life of material fulfillment, which many desire. As I walk towards them, with a blissfully satisfied smile, a young man, the previously shady character of the back comes rushing in.

Shoves me back and says, "watch it, gorib manush!"

And the girl too looks at me in disdain and says, ""fucking gorib manush!"

The rich man seems oblivious of it all and continues bathing.

As I am shoved by the young man, I turn around and am jumped by the Pret. Oh God!

I wake up. Sit up. I look to the side. I stare at the clock. What time is it? Is it day or night? Sunrise or sunset? Which year is this? Which life it this? The part I don't remember is that I probably, fell asleep, after a lazy lunch and some reading on a lazy afternoon. It was 3 pm. I woke up during twilight.  I was confused. I remember having a dream. But I don't recall getting out of it. I don't recall anything. I keep staring at the clock. It has only 2 hands. The hand that constantly informs of life, the seconds hand, is missing. Hence I'm not sure if the clock is running. But there is a constant ticking sound.

So is this reality? What time is it? Is it day or night? Sunrise or sunset? Which year is this? Which life it this? Suddenly the Preta jumps out from under my bed, gives me a silly smirk and runs out the house. I am taken aback for a moment and then I go after it. It has gone out the door. It's cold outside. My instincts tell me to go back in and grab a piece of garment. It's a hooded sweatshirt. As I'm picking it up, I hear a car braking noise. Steep one. Somebody shouts out, "watch it, gorib manush!" Followed by lady's voice, "fucking gorib manush!" Sound of a car whooshing away.

I set outside the house. A drunkard passes by me. Looking at me and pointing his fingers in an accusative tone he says, "khankir chele, tora sob khankir chele...khankir chele, sob khankir chele...". His voice fades out as I walk away from him as fast as I can. And as I'm walking away, I repeat his words to myself. As I'm walking by a house, I hear the sound of a man having a quarrel with a woman, coming from two houses down the row. The man, "3 maas dhore tomar husband bari firbe na, taka debe na aar amake amar ghorbhara baki rakhte hobe? Moger muluk peyecho naki!" The woman, "dada varar takata o e masei diye debe boleche, duto din dariye jaan!" "Aar dite hobe na! 3 maas dhore eki kotha shune jachhi, ki kore eto taka! Tomar sathe ki or adou kotha hoy naki se lompot diyeche? Amar ekhon'i varar taka chai, na thakle amay onyo kono bhabe seta aaday korte hobe!" I walk past their window. Now he's humping her in a vulgar manner. On the window. So that everyone might see. The woman's husband is standing at the front door. She knows it's him. She's making him wait. But the door is unlocked. He goes in...

I say the words, "onyo bhabe aaday korte hobe!"

A woman's scream and a child's cry is heard. I take a turn down the way and see the same drunkard beating his wife and kid while a group of boys are smoking hash. One of the boys with long hair says, "dendrite ta de na!" They're enjoying the domestic violence upfront, while intoxicating themselves.

"dendrite ta de na!"

I walk out the narrow lanes into the main road and to a roadside panbiri shop.  I didnt know what was going on. I seem to have forgotten who I am. Some instinct told me to make a certain bodily gesture. I did. The chaiwala started preparing and pouring the tea. While handing me a white stick. I was lighting the cigarette as I overheard the conversation between the young boys and working class men who hang out there.  All that I heard coming out of their mouths was "bara laora, laora bara".

Intonations were different. Volume of sound was varying.  But all that they were saying was "bara laora, laora bara". They seemed familiar. This entire environment seemed familiar. Deja Vu. Another group of four boys were having an intense discourse. They too were only swearing at each other. All too known a scene. But I cannot seem to comprehend my place in it. My head felt hollow and reverberating. Like an enchanting forest. I am confused what day it is. What time is it. Sunrise or sunset. What life is it. I started running away. One of the boys from the previous "bara laora" group called upon me. "Ki re bara, laorar moto dariye achis keno? Eii!" Another one said, "malta tene ache naki?" "Oi laorata, barata kotha bol?" I repeat the only part that I seem to have caught up with, "bara, laora; bara, laora!" "Ki bolchis?" "Dhaar bara chaar, laorata tene ache. Barata bosbi? laorata?" Me: "bara, laora; bara, laora!" "Laorata golay ki bara dhukiye rekhecho?" "Baal ta kemon robot er moto kore kotha bolche, laorata ki hoyeche tomar bara?" Me: "bara, laora; bara, laora!" They stare at me dumbfounded. Me: "hahahahaha". I walk away. The shop owner says something in a low voice.

I know my way around. I know this place. Yet everything feels like another planet. As if I am inside a body. Which is my own. This body. Which was the same as 'me', maybe even yesterday. When was yesterday? When is today? As if I am this being who is driving this body. I feel detached from my body. My self too, which was once entwined with my body. Now they're separate. I am looking from beyond my eyes. As if through a glass window. I am deep inside this head. I am unstable inside. There are no seat belts to this vehicle I'm driving.

Suddenly I hear the sound of a car braking. It has ran over someone. They've stopped. Why isn't anyone coming for help? I look back at the chai shop, it is now hazy. Maybe it's not there anymore. I don't understand. It's not that far. Is it? Who's driving? The driver is looking back at the person he ran over through the other window, and yells, "watch it, gorib manush!" He sits back. The lady sitting beside him remarks, "fucking gorib manush!" I know them from somewhere. I've seen them somewhere before. I've been here before. Deja Vu once more. They drive away. Whoosh!

I look at the man who has been run over. He looks familiar. Isn't it the thief who was in my house a few minutes ago? Was it my house? Well he's dead now. Petty thieves don't deserve such harsh punishment. Methinks. In case he was a thief and only a thief. The man looks rickety. A thousand years of starvation and decay had already taken its toll on him before he was squished by the car. I turned towards the way the car left and yelled, "fuckin gorib manush!" Nobody seems to take notice of this accident. Nobody is around suddenly. I turn back to look at the corpse. It's gone. The body has vanished. I stand stunned for a few seconds, or minutes... or....let's say a few units of time. I don't really have sense of time right now.

I look around. I get the weird subliminal feeling that a pair of eyes are watching me from the dark garden up front of where the accident occurred. Nobody is here. I start walking towards the way the car went. Rather, I drive my body towards the way the car went.

A auto driver stops his auto by me. "Ki re? Bos!" I sit beside him. He starts driving. He's a young man. Lean and thin. Sharp jaws and face. Constantly chewing and spitting tobacco. I look at him as he constantly keeps on talking about something. He even picks up the phone while driving with passengers on. The three people sitting behind me, are, one old man, of the poorer sections of society. A young woman sitting to the right side and a young man in the middle. They're trying to get it on. On the approaching of the guy. She's a bit reluctant now that I'm looking at them. The guy gives me a weird hostile look as he puts his arm around her in a possessive disposition.  I turn towards the driver. He starts speaking to me again, "ektao passenger nei line a vai, saradin e 4 trip marlam, 200 takar vara khetechi vai, ki debo malik ke , ektao passenger nei ajke line vai..."

Then I am dropped off somewhere. My intuition guides me towards a certain way.

I imitate the autodriver and spit.

People look at me weird.

I walk away.

I walk past a few lanes and there it is. The car is parked inside the parking of a mega mall.

And so I walk into the mall. What would I do? Find them. Then what? What to do with them? I am hallucinating myself. It's not their fault. Why am going around following people, when I should take myself back home? Talking to myself from inside, as I was walking past, I overheard a group of four young women speak. They were having a mellow dischord regarding what to do first, I'd think. Girl 1: "Shopping ya!" Girl 2: "Movie ya!" Girl 3: "Hungry ya!" Girl 4: "ya ya!". Their mood was mellow. They were well fed, their skin well nourished and their clothes were made of good quality soft fabric. Then the discussion changed. "McDonalds, McDonalds" "Ya ya!" "Pizza ya" "Panipuri ya". Just next to them was a street mother and her child. The child was begging for breast milk, she was crying with her hand on her forehead, resembling her ill-fate.

I walked right past them. Their mellow friendly discourse began fading away.

I repeated the last one. "Ya ya!"

Next I went across to a group of a tech freaks. They were some nerdy looking boys.  They were talking gadgets "Jelly Bean Jelly Bean", "Blackberry Blackberry", "windows 8 windows 8", "Xbox Fifa,  Nfl Xbox". And then there were people who didn't even know how send an sms.

Besides them were rich hunks with their pet babes, talking about "Chevrolet (in a condescending voice), Rolls Royce Rolls Royce" and "bike gym ladki disco disco ladki gym bike".

While a poor young man in an old raggity bicycle is denied entry. Then he is let in with much humiliation and forced to get off his bicycle, because "sab log madam log baithe hain, cycle se utar ke jao!"

The security guards were wearing access cards with dog leashes.

This seems all too familiar yet all too alien to me. Who is this 'me'? I make a turn. Near Pizza Hut and KFC.

Two fat men were overeating and stuffing themselves with "KFC " and "McDonalds". I looked towards them. Just two average fat guys stuffing themselves and having a chat. Except their access cards were hanging down their necks with dog leashes. Suddenly the world changed around me. I saw two fat bulbous creatures devouring raw flesh and whole buns. They were spilling more than they were chewing. Crumbs and tiny slices of flesh were all over the place and a streetmonger was lying underneath, trying to catch the spills in his mouth. The blobs were snorting like pigs. They were tied to a tree with chains. The streetmonger was unable to catch  one single spilled piece in his mouth. It was the same guy. He had a scythe on one hand and some grass in the other. The one who got ran over. Then disappeared. I turned around in disbelief and knocked the nearby standing mall cop by the shoulder. I could not believe this was happening. I don't even know where I'm at as far life is concerned, but I was certain what was happening before me was wrong! The mall cop looks at me, I point my finger without moving my sight from him and he replies with an annoyed, "ki! ki hoyeche?" I look back at the sight of Aceldama. The streetmonger is gone. Just two fat guys shoving food down their throats and having a meaningless chat. I quickly try to walk away as a big fat rich man, surrounded by insurance agents, credit card brokers, a car salesman and some other people who want his money in some way,(all sales representatives are wearing access cards hanging down their necks with a dogleash) walks past me. The rich man looks at me passing by, and proclaims, "I'm rich bitch!" He had a weird grunting laugh. I walk down the stairs of the mega mall to exit. "Ahhh!" A collision. I have crossed paths with the guy and girl I was looking for. He crosses me over saying, "watch it gorib manush!" and she says, "fucking gorib manush!"They walk away. I, stand, head turned towards them. A little awe struck. Suddenly, the little elf like creature that was trying to grab the crumbs from underneath the fat men, runs past me making a silly noise and laughing. I am taken aback. I standstill for a few moments and then decide to follow him. He leads me to the back of the car parking. Now, the fat man has the tenant lady in his car and they're driving away. He's vanished again. The creature. What is that creature? Is it a man? It looks different from other humans around here. It has no clothes on its upper body. Only a small loincloth wrapped around the loin and thighs. Where's he now?

I decide to follow the Tycoon's car. Wherever the Pret has led me so far, has been some kind of new experience for me. Revelation. I walk into a taxi and ask the driver to folow. Following the Tycoon's car, it leads me to this place. A cultural hangout of some sort. It seems. What is this 'culture', they speak of?

Ahhh! The Tycoon entering a ceremony hall of some sort, followed by a group. I wait for a while and then enter the place.

There's a stage. With a long table and microphones.

People have attended, they've filled some seats.

5 men are standing there. One of them with a 'jhola bag' wearing a long kurta and jeans. It's the same guy, the tenant's husband. Besides him is a guy with a pony tail and a guitar. This is the guy I saw smoking hash and asking for dendrite, and he also confronted me at the panshop. His buddy is here too. He's carrying a DSLR camera. Nearby is the drunkard who beats his wife and kids, he's dressed like a Naxalite rebel. And the landlord is singing Baul gaan.

They're paying some sort of honour and tribute to the fat man, the Tycoon.

They're singing, playing music and reading poems in tribute of the fat man. He's enjoying with his gut out and his hands hanging down his blazer.

The photographer is taking pictures.

The rebel is hosting the show, the drunkard.

Now the rebel invites the honourable guest of the show to speak to his admirers. The fat man comes in slowly towards the microphone and says, "I'm rich, bitch!". And they all clap and some shed tears. Of joy of pain, don't know what.

I walk by them and I spot the Pret again. This time he leads me out on the pavements of the busiest roads. I see a small beggar, possibly a child, yes, a child, a little part of his sleeping face is peeking out. He has fallen asleep of fatigue and starvation. The drunkard's son it seems. The one he was beating. His alms vessel is laying astray. People are kicking it along the path, most unintentionally but some even intentionally. Everyone that kicks the vessel makes a light remorseful noise, sticks their fingers to their temple (forehead) and walks away unbothering. Nobody is paying any heed to the vessel and little money that was collected by the street child begging. I pick it up and put the coins back in. Somebody grabs my collar from the back. It's a Maniktolar public! A very large, loud and obnoxious person; who considers himself a big deal. He looks uncanny similar to the man I saw in my dreams, bathing in milk & rice. The one in the mall who snorted at me. "Ki bhikarir poisa churi hochhe? Bhikarir bati theke churi kora hochhe? Dekhe toh bhodro ghorer chele mone hoy! Nesha kora hoy? Haan? Nesha kora hoy!" I fail trying to reason with him and getting myself a hearing of my defense. It doesn't work. So I free myself by force. My vehicle. The Maniktolar public: "Ki re? Ki korchis? haan? Khub kobjir jor hoyeche? haan? noxali? babar hotele kheye noxali hochhe?" Then the next thing I know, he along with a couple of police constables are putting me up in a van. One of the young constables has a familiar face. He was in the auto besides that tenant lady. As I'm locked up inside the van, I see the street child unveiling himself by lifting his rag that he had kept himself covered with. It's the Pret. He runs away laughing weirdly.

I'm brought to a police station. I see the rich man again paying a bundle of money to the officer in charge and taking out the young man and woman whom I saw in the car. The drunkard from my neighborhood is now being beaten by the police severely. Suddenly the drunkard's face changes into the Pret's and he does a weird face and sound at me. I run out the police station. Some police men are screaming at me. I run. Into a brothel. The first person to offer me prostitutes is the young policeman from the van and previously the auto. He's a pimp here. I walk past him. Then I see the husband of the tenant lady, who's also a poet. He too is a pimp. I am mesmerized now. Of all the things I saw today, this is most unexpected. This man, gentlest of men, the bhola mach as we know him by, is a pimp. I follow him through filthy stairs, into a room. He's pimping his wife! And the previous customer comes out, it's the landlord...

I am too out of thoughts to know what to do or how to react. He shoves me inside. The landlord goes out, zipping up his pants  The lady does not wait to talk or anything and straight away lays down and opens her legs apart. Before I know it, I'm penetrating her. My body is feeling good. It is closing its eyes. I can't see. I cannot let this vehicle control me! It has got to be the other way around! Eyes open. Ohh! I snap back a few feet. I was humping the Pret. It has a scythe in its hand and grass in its mouth. The next thing I know is I'm on the run again. I'm going back towards the PS. I must make a turn here into the jungle just behind it. I run and walk into the Maniktolar public. He's taking his share from the same street child. I go mad and in a fit of rage throw at the man whatever I could get near me, mainly small stones and rocks. I run again. I run. Further. Deep into an isolated forest of some sort. Surrounded by large trees. Among hundreds of trees there is only one hut. Mud hut. Roof of hay. Something pulls me inside. Maybe the one who I'm after and running from is in here. I enter, inhaling a dimension altering breath. Another realm. A dull grayish yellow light is lit inside the earthen house. Two rooms. The front room is the kitchen cum eating place. There's no porch, it just begins right away. Some stale bread and alu vaja is laying around being eaten by rats. In the middle of the room is an empty hollow hnari. Dried out rice on the edges. The same hnari the Pret had in my dream. It's hollow and vacuuming like an abyss. You stare at it long enough, it stares into your soul. It wants to fill its vacuity with your essence. I look away. Inside the other room, a sickly old woman is lying on the bed. She is wearing a tricolor saree. On the damp earthen wall over her head hangs the photograph of the Pret; it was taken in his funeral, he has cotton up his nose and his face provokes macabre, ghoulish humor. It's her son. A landless farmer, made so by being seized of his land. He's dead now. And there's no one to watch her. Her daughter in-law was taken to the city by someone, and she never returned. Some say, she became a whore, by choice or by desperacy. Her grandson was too sold in the city to some people who do business with street kids. The face of the tenant woman flashed before my eyes. Along with the street child. I took the photo off the wall and ran with it. The way I came.I stopped at the place where the Maniktolar public was taking money from the child. No one seems to be here. Suddenly the child comes crippling along the way. He has been disabled by the leg, so he may earn more money. I show him the photo. It's his father. He cries. He takes me to his mother. The prostitute I was humping. In a fit of rage I start beating the 'bhola mach' after ambushing him. The 'bhola mach' is actually the good guy, or the better guy. The guy who sold her was the landlord. He is now drinking inside the room with a couple of whores, along with the mother of this child. I run to the police van standing nearby. They were all asleep. I inform them of what's going on. First of all, they're pissed about being awaken from their beauty sleep during duty, that's a kind of pleasure no one wants to be deprived of here. Sleeping during duty hours: it's like fucking another man's wife, up the ass. They want to take me in. Their logic, "nije ekhane ki kora hochhilo? Sadhu saja hochhe? maal khalas kora hoye geche tai ekhon sadhugiri?" I run away. Inside the jungle and plan a trap for the landlord. The child as a bait. It works, not. The landlord beats me up and says, "eto jokhon somaj sonskarok, ja na bara asol jaygay giye nongra porishkar kor! Ja bara beshyakhanar malik er kache ja! Asol lok ke dhor giye." He keeps the child with him. I go back to the city. I'm sure I know who this 'asol lok' is. The fat man, the tycoon. I go back through the PS, the cultural hangout and has a the mall and then finally into the largest house of the neighborhood. I jump from the back of the wall after the security doesn't allow me to enter. He's the same guy, the guy in the auto, the young policeman and the pimp. I sneak in. There they are. He's sitting on the sofa.His daughter in-law beside him shaping her nails and his son behind her, standing sideways. His figure is shady. Almost as if my dream. There is a dinner table in front of him. Upon it is a hnari of sweet rice, topped with raisins and cashews and saffron. A delight. Poisoned for sure. Beside it, is another hnari full of rose milk, rose petals floating. The rich man has an inviting tone of voice in his, "I'm rich, bitch!" I slowly walk closer to the food. This body is hungry. It wants to eat. Should I let it? The young man comes out from behind and shoves me, "watch it, gorib manush!" And the girl says, "fucking gorib manush!"I step back and the photo falls out my hoodie. They all look at it. I accuse them. I point my fingers at them. The rich man calls for his guards. I run. Now I'm running. From pimps, from police, from this rich man's security and almost all aspects of society. I'm running. I hit myself on the head and some security guard hits me on the face with a baton... ... ...

A deep forest. Enchanting like a dream. Soothing beautiful music playing inside my head. I don't know how I got here. I have no memories. There's no such thing. Must be a dream.

A blue dream of a lush green deep forest, first lights of dawn shining through the leaves and high branches. The sun rays never seem to burn.

Must be a dream.Soothing beautiful music playing all around as I am amazed to be here, without knowing how I got here.

Hnaaah!!

I wake up. Sit up. I stare at the clock. What time is it? Is it day or night? Sunrise or sunset? Which year is this? Which life it this? Is this clock ticking or has it stopped?

 

 

The Train

 

Yesterday was Sunday. Just another day for me. Or so I thought. I woke up after 11 in the morning and had breakfast, By 2 in the afternoon, I had my exercise gear on and ready for a workout, when suddenly the phone rang.  I answered nonplussed. It was a neighbour. One of the few people I talk to in this neighbourhood. His name is Mr. Bhatt.

He informed me that his mother passed away this morning. She was in hospital for the last 5 days. He asked me to accompany him to the hospital. I agreed to. Because I expect him to do the same for me. If. So I asked him to give me a few minutes to get ready. On my way downstairs I saw another neighbour of ours. He too was asked to accompany Bhatt.

I went downstairs where Bhatt was standing talking to a few people. There wasnt anything different about his behaviour. He was having a stupid discussion with some people. His tone was quite normal. As if nothing had happened. I had put on a very grave face and black clothes, expecting some sadness and grief. There seemed to be none of it. Just formalities to be fulfilled of burning the body. But it's too soon to judge.

He lit a cigarette and offered me one. He was telling me about the location of the hospital where his mother had been for the past few days and where she took her last breath. Also how long it takes to get there. And by what time we'd be done.

No sooner had he finished, the guy who was to take us there in his car, showed up and we left.

On our way there, the three men, Bhatt and the two other men, neighbours, were culturing stupidity. Felt to me like pure idiot's idiosyncrasy. Like how often they clean their cars. How do they keep their cars sparkling clean etc. I was sitting quietly. I am heavily allergic to bullshit discussions. Finally we get there. Bhatt's son was present there from before. He had been attending his grandmother. Bhatt was completely detached from his siblings. He came to know from his son that his mother was suffering from pneumonia and organ failure. She had been in the hospital for 5-6 days. She was about 90. Then we all accompanied Bhatt and his son to the ICCU bed where Bhatt's mother's body was lying.

It was an emotional moment...for me. Dont know about the others. Bhatt did shed a tear maybe. I didnt see anything rolling down his cheeks. But his eyes seemed teary. He put his hands on her forehead and made a last gesture of affection, and then walked away. Alas! The cliches of human life! It was merely a body now. She seemed as if sleeping. Shrunken. Skinnier than usual. Though I have never seen her before. She seems to be in peace. I felt as if she might awaken any moment and run towards me with her open drooling mouth. Oh her face is gonna haunt me in the nights, especially if the lights go out!

We went downstairs. Then me and Bhatt went to get some flowers, garlands and incense, as it is Hindu ritual to offer the above mentioned to the dead as last offerings. We bought the things and came back. Now we were waiting outside for the hospital to produce the death certificate and release the body. But the carriage had not arrived either. So we were all waiting downstairs. What amazed me the most was Bhatt's callous duty fulfilling and being in a hurry to finish off the formalities. He didnt seem sad at all. He just wanted to get it over with.

I dont know whether this pretenseless attitude is good or bad. I'm not gonna be the one to judge. But it keeps bothering me. It feels weird, that I, a person not belonging to the family became grief stricken all of a sudden and had to call my father, who lives by himself, just because I felt afraid that one day I too will be here. While Bhatt was absolutely oblivious of it all.

But the family members didnt seem too caring of Bhatt's presence either. After a while we went to have tea. By the time we came back to the hospital premises, the carriage had arrived. It was a clean, seemingly new, air-conditioned carriage, with the eternal words of the great Bengali poet Jibanananda Das, "abar asibo feere", meaning, "I shall come back", written on both sides of the glass.

The body was taken out. The decorations began. They sprayed the body with a whole bottle of scent/attar, to neutralise the odour. The garlands were placed on the body, after being covered with a white satin cloth. The decorations complete, the body was about to be placed inside the glass jar of the carriage. The sons and daughters paid their last respects by touching her feet and touching their own heads. Some broke into tears. There was a sudden outburst of tears among the daughters. The incense were lit. Again I had that same feeling that the person was alive deep inside the body and may wake up any moment.

By this time Bhatt was again smoking. Now it is ritual that the son must help carry the body of the parent. Bhatt was either unmindful or a stupid man.

As the body was laying inside the see-through glass jar, waiting to take off, with relatives still coming in to join; I yet again had the strangest sensation that the body was moving. Very subtle and ethereal were the movements. As if it was sleeping. Breathing very softly. Too subtly. She may wake up any moment. Just as Bhatt began speaking to me. He said, "we should've bought four more garlands, don't you think?"

I realized that this is about competition. Bhatt wanted to spend more money on garlands than his elder sister, while the others wanted to and some had already spent more than Bhatt. It's about letting your siblings and relatives know how good you are doing in life.

So the body loaded into the carriage, now it was time to take off towards the crematory. As it is ritual, the body must be taken through all the places she has lived during her lifetime. So first it was taken to her birthplace College Street and then to Salt Lake, where she had been dwelling during her final years. We followed the carriage in a taxicab. Me, Bhatt and his son, Kappa. Because the two other men had left with the car as they had somewhere else to go. I wasn't gonna leave Bhatt stranded amongst strangers (read relatives), by himself and his son, who was an intermediary among the four  quarrelling group of relatives. If I've decided to come thus far, I might as well stay till the end.

On our way towards the cremation ground, we saw many people on the streets paying their respect to the dead. With a salute. Well not exactly a military salute. It's more of a Hindu ritual thing, to touch your chest with your fingers and then touch your forehead, at the sight of a divinity, a temple, a Hindu idol or a dead person. Many people did that. I felt as if we were escorting somebody famous. Someone who'll be missed. A great person of history. It was an worthless old lady to be rudely honest. Then there were the poor dead. Yes. Economic status does not leave you right away at death. A wise man once wrote, "you can't just die, you must first make a budget for your death!" So there was this poor man who had died and he was being carried off by four footmen on their shoulders. He was on a wooden bed, built specially for the pyre. Carried off by foot. "Ram naam satya hai!" "Rama is the truth!" - they were chanting. Their grief invokes humour among the richer class. While the rich rent professional mourners to mourn their death. That happens in some parts of this country. And throughout the way, Bhatt kept on discussing business and office on his phone with his colleagues.

I dont know if this is lack of care, or if he has easily accepted the natural cycle of birth and death. But it is his mother. One must either be truly enlightened or be truly selfish to be this emotionally insensate. I will contain myself from making a judgement. Or, I'll try to.

The body cannot be taken inside the furnace without the authority attested  photocopy of the death certificate. That took a while. As we entered the crematory area, I felt as if I was escorting someone to a railway station. I kept on getting this feeling of bidding someone farewell. Though I don't even know this person. I never knew this person during her lifetime. But this feeling that I'm getting at the moment is undeniable. The internal structure of the crematorium was just like our Howrah Rail Station. Only much smaller. Even the bells were ringing constantly from the nearby temples. As if we're back in time, old black & white trains, of the grey past.

This NeemTala crematorium is also known for having one of the largest 'Bhootnath' temples in our state. Bhootnath is the name for Shiva, the lord destruction and void. Bhootnath literally means the Pastmaster. But it's interpreted as the Timemaster. His temple is quite fitting surrounding the cremation grounds. The dead must pass his realm of nothingness, and be born again. As per our beliefs.

The crematorium uses rails to push the body inside the furnace. The body is put on a lightweight wooden bed, decorated with sandal, sandalwood dust etc. And then put on a iron platform which is then lifted with a lever and pushed inside the furnace with a rail. About 4-5 bodies are ahead in line. Yes, there are only two furnaces. The dead must wait in line. Their train carries one at a time.

Some of the bodies in line have bloated up badly and have turned purple. They were probably kept waiting for a long time after death. Anyways after a couple of hours the body was put inside the furnace and then began the complete mockery of a ritual.

Now, it is ritual that after the burning is complete, the family, all the members must have a meal together. AFTER the burning is complete! But it takes about 45-60 minutes to completely burn out. The gluttonous Bengalis could not wait. They all went inside a confectionery store and began devouring as if it's a wedding feast. Their enthusiasm in consumption made me feel like as if their mother wasn't dead. One of the ladies was crying profusely and gobbling large chunks of food at the same time. That was a sight. Except for Bhatt, everybody devoured plentiful. Bhatt ate nothing, drank nothing. He just smoked.

I won't lie, I was hungry and I ate. I filled myself. In the procession of my meal, I felt guilty. But I convinced myself, that it's not my issue. She meant nothing to me. So I ate.

After the eating was complete, it was time to collect the ash and then bath in the Ganges as is tradition. Most people don't want to bath in the Ganges here, because it pollutes more than it purifies. Idol worshipping and then emerging the idol, millions of them literally, into the Ganges. The Ganga has become a waste bin. Of idols, human bodies, human waste and many other forms chemical waste, plastic etc. This human body becomes waste after the soul leaves..

At the end of all rituals, it was now time to go home. Me and Bhatt's son started looking for a taxi. When I realized that there is an actual train platform just above. On higher ground. Is it symbolic that indeed it is a journey? Only the dead will know. Then they'll forget. All memories shall be wiped clean and begin afresh. I'm not a believer, neither am I a disbeliever.

I came back home alongside Bhatt and his son. "Did you see my good for nothing younger brother? That moron is acting like he's the only one who has lost!" - said Bhatt as we were on our way back home. I wasnt really listening. So I didnt answer. Just a nudge of the head. Early spring winds are cool, dry and make me feel desolate...lonely... just like the old lady. I dreamt about the old lady that night. I was in a railway station. Full of mostly old people. And some young people with wounds of some kind. An old woman was asking me about her train. I didn't know what to say to her. I pointed her towards the inquiry counter. She got her answer but she wasn't happy with it. "An 8 hour delay? Why don't you just make it a whole 24 hours sunny!"

I think I see Bhatt's mother. Her back is turned. She is walking away. I follow her. I just want to know if it's her. I never find out. Instead I get into another dream and then wake up in the middle of the night. I had fell asleep on the sofa. I wake up confused at first, to what day it is. But then I realize it's only been a few hours since the cremation of the old woman. She'll travel alone tonight. It's a long way, to start again...

 

 

I awake in a dream. By my father's phone call. "We've got to sell the house and furniture!" "We just bought an air-conditioning system and new furniture!" "We have to move now. But it's a fine place. Rented."

My father was clearly out of his damn mind to think that he was gonna sell his house and move into a rented one. But what constitutes his sudden madness? Of course, mom. She is possessed by some semi-divinity, or the idea that she is divinity. I told my father that's not gonna happen. I'm not gonna let him become destitute. I go to my mom's room and go to sleep on her bed. She's away somewhere. I fall asleep in what is originally a dream. As I'm sleeping in my dream, I dream again. Mama comes again. Mama tries to convince me to move. What would she gain from it? Nothing. Madness sees no profit. I tell her to close the door as the ac is on. She closes. But then a couple of ticks on the door. "Oh Mother Shakti, you're here!" And she attempts to open the door from the wrong side, the side where the hinges are attached to the wall. And she is successful. But before she can open it and let in someone or something, I jump towards the door and shut it close overpowering her. Then I open it the right way and run away.

I'm out on my old neighborhood. A place now, of the dreams. I see the Puja of Dakshina Kali and I chant her name in fear. The Idols jeer me. The Asura's puppet is clapping. My childhood memories are my demons. They mock me.

 

 

 

The Stair Civilisation

 

It's a city, a civilisation build around temples and stairs. You run up and down, sit and lie, sleep and awake on the stairs. Sometimes they announce for heads! Assassins run after you for your heads! They have their spies all over to see if the assassins are doing their jobs. The assassins must cut the heads demanded by the priests or the king shall behead the assassin. The spies keep watch. The people run up and down, up and down the city of stairs.

 

 

The Killer

 

The killer striked in the fish store. The owner of the store and his employee was washing fish. Suddenly he struck. He smashed and detached the owner's head. So swiftly and ssuddenly that he made no noise and the employee so busy with his work, didn't even see what was going on right next to him, a feet or two away, apart by a shoulder length partition. The killer put the owner's smashed head, which now looked like cut pieces of fish, inside a fish container and took his place in front of the fish cutting sink. The employee still didn't realize that the owner's headless body is actually lying under his feet. So then the heroes arrived to apprehend the killer but they were scared. What if they hit him and nothing happened to him! They would surely die! So they decided to hit low. They smashed his nuts and crushed it.

 

 

 

The Set-up

I wasn't going to kill him! It was just a regular stand off after a session of verbal abuse. I grabbed his neck and put him around my forearms. I wasn't going to snap his neck, never. Knowing this, he kept on elbowing and abusing me. I accidentally snapped his neck. He was dead. In a matter of seconds I was a murderer! Fuck! The Police! The law! Prison! Oh hell no! I cannot! I must run away! The guys around, they were my friends, they supported me. They said, "go, get out, just go, we did this, we killed him, you weren't here, go now!" As I turned to leave, I looked back and saw them slicing his neck and stabbing him.

I went back home and told my mother everything. Then I went to my room not expecting police to come too soon, I started to pack my bags, relaxed. Suddenly BAM! BAM! "Run Gogo, the cops are here!" I was in my shorts. My bag was unpacked. I sneaked through the door, the police had broken through the door, my mom was trying to stop them, they started hitting her! I was scared! My head wasn't working! I ran, in my shorts, through the back door, through the extremely skinny passage between my house and the moating wall around the house. I took a turn and got stuck. Fear like a giant black demon overwhelmed my senses. My body froze, I was stuck but didn't have the power to struggle myself free. I started to lose consciousness. "How did they find me so soon? Did my friends set me up?" When suddenly I heard faint noises of boots, the police were right on the other side of the wall. I almost fainted with fear. When suddenly my friends from earlier came running and told me to duck my head as much as I can. The space being too slick, I couldn't lie down completely, I was stuck. So they covered me and started shouting to distract the police. One of them said, he went that way. The police left. They had set me up but to gain the trust of the police, so that they could save me with that trust.

 

 

Mad dreams

out of work moviestars wash my dishes

and clean my room

then I'm a giant troll

beating up the baffoons

I'm smashing all the other trolls

wait!!

I'm a stone golem now

even bigger than I was before

smashing all the other monsters with my big ass weapon

oh!!

my weapon is not strong enough

the enemy has grown

I climb the walls

but they bring it down

gotta make a run for it

so I run

upstairs

ooh I enter my school

the girls are looking so inactive

and there is this old friend of mine

he is carrying wine bottles

to the teacher

and she acts like she doesn't know what's going on

hahaha

#

I saw her in a dream today

again

for the 1000th time

and there were these weird characters

there was this club in an open park

where they were taking care of retarded people

there was the famous nearly blind insurance hawker

wearing glasses thick enough to block a bullet

he had insurance papers inside a candy jar

and he had made insurance hawking popular

he is the legendary insurance hawker - my mom screamed to me

and then I found her house in

dreamy park avenue

cloudy land

and we made love

in the perspiring autumn rain

before I woke up and broke sleep

 

 

A forest parametered in electrified barb i was in

Saving little puppies

Running from my friend's brother who became a terrorist

The teachers i had crushes on

Had work for me

I finished but not as planned

I was happy

Says who ?

 

 

me and a page

I've wiped out all of humanity

Wiped out all animals

I'm sitting on my throne in the open wounds

It's moonlight all night every night

And throughout the day

It's just one day one night

Then it's nothing

It's the same uncanny feeling same freeze

Just me and a page that i'm reading

No start no finish

I'm a picture on a canvas

I'm still i'm not dead i'm not living

Nothing just some unknown sounds

 

 

yet another very thriling dream

good enough for a hollywood movie

okay, so there I was

in love with you

and we were in love and we were doing good

out of nowhere came this dude

who acts like you're indebted to him

and he gets to behave however he wants with you

then he wipes his feet on your clothes

and I protest

you accept it with head hung low

and then I snap his neck

his and his sidekick's

and then I was running

from the police

a lot of their relatives are in the police

what are they gonna do to me

if they catch me

they are already here

searching the buildings

my mama warns me on the phone

to escape not through the roof

but I was already there in the roof

then I saw a whole group of people tying a rope to the nearby building

and trying to climb out

when all of a sudden one of the floors of the building collapsed

and we were all commoting

then I finally got out

escaped to my father's house

and he said "if they catch you , the police ,

I don't if she'll accept me as her guardian anymore

I'm afraid she'll be ruined

if you're in jail."

 

 

The vertical pond inside the cave

 

 

 

The Dead Tiger: A Forgotten Dream

7 friends. Trying to get rid of a body. 

The hero Himbaha, kills a tiger.

Throughout the under-construction building they run around trying to find the body that disappeared while they were looking out for Himbaha as he slayed the tiger.